Wear Bermuda shorts: long enough to cover your butt, and short enough not to be capris. A win-win, in my opinion, and they come in super fun patterns and colors. (And I am super anti-shorts in general, so this is a big deal for me)
Wear sandals: this is obvious. I really shouldn’t have to say much about this one. Notice, however, that it is also listed in the Don’ts section. Read on.
Play with bright colors: also seemingly obvious, but as someone who has been suffering through the winter that wouldn’t die, this is especially important. I know yellow and orange don’t look good on everyone, but bright blues, greens, and pinks really do. So get some. Accessorize. USE COLOR. Caution: retina-burning colors need not apply. Have some consideration for my eyes.
Fun totes: Everyone who knows me knows that I am a bag whore…or bag lady, either way. I will not deny it. I will also not deny that using a winter bag in the summer is LAME. Dark, sturdy bags are great, and sorta depressing when you are wearing a fun, bright outfit. Target has some great options that are pretty cheap.
Classics: Jeans, Ts, tank tops, sailor inspired clothes (sounds kitschy, but when done right can be awesome…its all about moderation), knee length skirts in fun colors and patterns, fun nail polish on short nails, flower accessories (I’m a GIRL damnit. I know this is a shocker for some. Consider this your informative memo.)
Sunscreen: Please see my bathing suits entry for more of my sunscreen rant. I wear SPF 30 on my face every day, and when you have wrinkles and I don’t, I WILL tell you I told you so.
As I said before: Teeny tiny shorts are NOT ok. I realize that every heterosexual male that I know is scowling at me right now, but really, its not ok. I don’t give a crap if you have a nice ass. I don’t give a crap how old you are. NOT OK.
Super short skirts- ALSO NOT OK. For the same reasons as above, only worse, now we have to see your arse AND your crotch. Much as I hate to burst your bubble, no one wants to see that. No one.
Sandals: I LOVE, nay, ADORE sandals. I am never quite as happy as when I am wearing flip-flops and watching Ellen scowl at me from the other side of the room. While I do not condone the wearing of flip-flops for most occasions, sandals in general rock. HOWEVER- now read carefully- nasty feet, untended toenails, kitten heeled flip-flops, UGLY ASS hiking sandals, and sandals with a camo print ARE NEVER ALLOWED. No excuses. Just don’t do it. My friend got a Pedi Egg in his Easter basket (a whole other story), and I’m sure he will be more than happy to donate it if your heels need help. Also, if I see you wearing socks with your sandals and you haven’t just had foot surgery- and lets be honest, I will judge first and ask questions later-it will get ugly…uglier than your damn outfit!
Cruise wear: unless you are on a cruise, and even then…really?
Tons of make-up: Nothing screams “I’m old and I’m hoping no one will notice” more than a ton of make-up in the blistering sun. Need skin help? Dial 1-800-DERMATOLOGIST.
Bikini tops instead of bras: I feel like this should never be spoken of again. If I see it, and you are not on the beach sipping a fruity drink that a beautiful young man just brought you, I will FLIP OUT, and then point and laugh at you. I have yet to see this in Chicago (probably because winter wont end), but I’m really hoping that the Midwesterners have more sense/modesty than this. But, I thought they were smarter than my initial impression, and then I found out about DUI on a Motorized Bar Stool Guy in Ohio…so…we shall see.
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